I Am Vowel, Hear Me Roar!

By The Lettr (nee Letter) E

On would think that the most usd lettr in the entir alphabet would hav no complaints, barring the occasional exhaustion. If I didn’t car so much about my craft, that on may be right, but I tak prid in my work, dammit.

Nobody gets to be #1 without a combination of effort, skill and lov of what they do – except maybe WalMart. That axiom holds equally tru for lettrs. We lettrs ar mor than mer tools for writrs and lexicographrs – we ar artisans in our own right and we refus to hav our craftsmanship ignord and/or denid any longer! Therfor, I, The Lettr E, on behalf of and in concrt with the Vowels Union, herin declar I shall not be silent anymor! I Am Vowel… Hear Me Roar!

As it stands, between 30% and 40% of the tim you see me printd, typd or written, I have no sound. That’s right, Friends – I, The Lettr E, with all my glottal versatility, spend about a third of my working lif merly taking up spac and holding places lik som alphabetical equivalent of that numbr-pussy 0. “Oooh, E,” you may whin with all your oppressor-abetting mewling nasality, “Without you being silent, how would we know if othr vowels ar supposd to be long or short?” How ar you supposd to know? Ask them, you lazy cows! That’s why the Vowels Union is with me. All of us, A, I, O, U, Y, and myself ar brilliant verbal craftsmen mor than capabl of standing up on our own. We all hav the flexibility of gymnasts, strength of lumbrjacks, artistry of mastr sculptors, and vocal beauty of the sirens. We ar the lexicographic incarnation of that sexy blond ballet/opera student your roommat occasionally bangd - and you jackd off to - in your sophomor year in colleg. Only out of professional courtesy hav we “supported” each othr this long – howevr we now stand alon tall and proud at work whil remaining united in spirit.

The revolution is on! It has already startd, but most of you middl-agd crackrs havn’t evn noticd. The movment began with rapprs, and through their stylistic influenc on youth has spread to nearly all textrs and a larg percentag of teenagd Facbook and MySpac bloggrs. In twenty years, when thes groups ar the senators, prim ministrs, and CEOs of the world, an E will nevr go silent again. On that glorious day, my friends, vowels will at long last be appreciatd as the alphabetical mastrs we truly ar!

…and just so you know, H is getting a bit pissd off about the whol silenc deal also. Watch your sixs, Consonants – you may hav a two-front war on your hands!