Where’s My Holiday?

By Freddy Krueger

Today is Easter, the day designated to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Oh, hooray… Jesus came back from the dead. Whoop-dee-shit. I did that ELEVEN times – where’s MY holiday?

Look, hard as it is to believe, I like Jesus. The whole dying for people’s sins thing was quite big of him. That’s what Good Friday is all about. I don’t begrudge him for Good Friday – that’s completely his holiday. He earned it. But the resurrection gig? You’re stepping on Freddy’s toes with that one, Carpenter!

Seriously, who did resurrection better than me? Jesus? Zombie, please! He only did it once… and the only people who “confirmed” he did it were a couple star-struck groupies whose own accounts didn’t even rate as books of the Bible. I rose from the grave eleven times – on film, to rockin’ theme music no less. Coming back from the dead is Krueger Country, baby – Easter is mine!

Changes coming, Kiddies! First thing – no Easter Bunny. Bunnies hump all the time, and anybody who’s seen my work knows how I feel about cute young fornicators. Next, lose those dumbass pastel colored hats. Either wear a fedora or go sans chapeau, Prudence! Wearing the ratty striped sweater would also please me. The wisdom of pleasing me on the day dedicated to my rising from the grave to mete out punishment to those I consider deserving should be glaringly apparent, but… you know… do what you think is best. Heh.

All the other stuff is cool by me – eggs, chocolate, jelly beans, plastic grass – what have you. I feel the kids should get to have some fun on my holiday – I’m no ogre. My only suggestion would be to bake your own ham – the glaze on those Honeybaked jobs is so thick and sweet it’s almost nasty. If anybody could give you guys tips on savoring the subtle complexities of the texture and flavor of baked juicy flesh, it would be Your Boy Freddy, no?

So there you have it. Have fun with your pastel parading rodents today – I’m a bit late getting this out – but come March 23, 2008, I’d better see some Fedora-and-sweater wearing revelers slicing their home-cooked hams with their razor-fingers, or Marshmallow Peeps won’t be the only things lying about headless on Monday!