Krypto-Not

By Knorr the Interpreter

There is a show called “Heroes” on NBC that chronicles the lives of normal everyday people who discover that they have superpowers. I’ve never seen the show, but I may have to start watching it to pick up pointers. You see – I discovered I have a super power.

I can generate my own body weight in snot every three hours or so.

Granted, this power only presents itself when I get a vicious head cold, but I think that is only because I have yet to figure out how to harness it. How would I go about honing this superpower into a formidable weapon for the Forces of Good? I’m thinking something like what Frozone from The Incredibles does with ice – just shooting arced ramps of snot from my fingers so I can glide through the air, coating villains in an inescapable cocoon of nose jelly and/or adhering them to walls until the authorities show up – that kind of thing. There must be some way, some place, some person, some Mucous Master Sensei Dojo where I can train in the discipline of the snottial arts.

Another important question – what will my super hero name be? My formidable powers would never be taken seriously unless I had one. Also, children would never say “When I grow up, I want to be just like Carl Knorr!” and if kids don’t say they want to grow up to be you, you pretty much suck as a superhero. All I have come up with so far is “The ConJester”, but that sounds too evil - beginning with “Con” and all – and trust me, you don’t want me running around town in the harlequin pants such a name would force me to wear.

Google has been no help so far, but I’m not giving up. This potential power from my proboscis is too great too ignore. Until then, I’ll just fill tissue after tissue with my marvelous mucal might until the mound of empty Puffs boxes in the corner grows as high as Superman’s nose.