We’re OK

By Knorr the Interpreter

To all our friends from around the globe who may be worried about the low level of my postings of late, nothing is wrong. We’re just extremely busy with friends and family – we’re still upright and our house is still in one undrenched piece.

Ohio isn’t a particularly newsworthy state, but of late it’s been occupying the national headlines for its nigh-Biblical weather disasters. NPR gave the Utah coal mine a rest last week by dryhumping the troubles in Findlay, Ohio as its emotional-pornography news leader. Findlay got nailed by an unholy storm that could only be described by Midwesterners as “Noahic in scale”, or by Floridians as “a pretty rough Tuesday”. Nine inches of rain fell in an hour, knocking out all services and flooding the streets three or four feet deep. Flooding of such proportions hasn’t happened in Findlay – or any of northern Ohio for that matter – in over a century.

Those of you unfamiliar with Ohio weather patterns (which I would think would be everybody who doesn’t actually LIVE in Ohio) may think that Findlay’s troubles would similarly affect Akron, since both cities are in Northern Ohio and pretty much a direct east-west line from each other, thus rationally have some concern for the operations and operators at IbK Central. Such concern is appreciated, but let me assure you that we are all fine. Please direct any concern you may have to the residents of Findlay, which I like to call Ohio’s New Venice. Fact is that Ohio really doesn't have anything that can be considered a weather "pattern", unless you consider the tie-dyed T-shirt created by an LSD-ravaged Dr. Rorschach a "pattern." Findlay is a good 130 miles west of Akron, and for reasons only the Weather Gods know, the horrendous front that brought all the devastation pretty much set up camp in Findlay and tailgated for about twelve hours. By the time it rolled into Akron, it was still loud, boisterous and spewing plenty of fluids (we got about three inches of rain), but it wasn’t nearly the obnoxious drunken tempest that it was back in the western parking lot.

Later in the week, Ohio also got tagged by a lovely little series of tornadoes, but all of those as they are wont to do hit in the more trailer-park intensive areas in the south-central sections of the state. Akron was again spared the wrath of headline-scoring meteorological horror.

I can only come up with two reasons why our little slice of Buckeye Country continues to dodge evil weather salvos. The first is that even the Weather Gods know better than to defile the birthplace of The Chosen One. All who reside in Outer LeBronistan shall remain protected and secured from the sufferings of the External Forces so long as His Jamesty holds court and crown!

The other, more likely reason: Nothing, and I mean NOTHING worth noting ever happens in Akron. Considering the fact that Sudanese refugees are currently saying prayers for the people of Findlay, Ohio, that is by all means intended as a selling point – not a complaint.

Thanks again, guys. You're welcome to visit us any time - Akron will still be here.