Revised Memo To Our Children

By Dr. Julius Arnstuhl, Ph.D., Psychology (Retired)

Let’s get to the point quickly – this prescience of this topic has built to a critical mass over the last few years – any delay in its correction could have catastrophic results for the future of the human race.

Throughout my career I was a strong advocate of positive reinforcement for children. I still believe children will develop into healthier and more well-rounded adults through encouragement of individuality than forced conformity – however there are limits to theories, and mine has hit its limit. Modification is required… immediately.

Before another child deceives him or herself into believing that he or she can make a comfortable living deep into their respective seventies or eighties by blogging about their dickhead Physics teachers and selling magical items on Runescape, we need to establish some boundaries to our “Just Be You” mantra. Suggestions below:

You are a special person. There is nobody else like you, and that should be celebrated. You know what else should be celebrated? Thanksgiving. It gets one glorious weekend a year – the other 360-odd days of the year we do productive things. Now let go of your Wii and finish your goddamned homework.

You are a unique individual - unique and beautiful like a snowflake. Also like snowflakes, when a few million of you gather on my sidewalk through Myspace and Facebook you become less of a beautiful individual and more of a dead-weight pain in the ass. Last winter I shoveled my walk. This spring I bought a snowblower. You flakes keep this lying-around-and-posing shit up and we’ll go full flamethrower.

Please implement the new building modalities with your children as quickly as possible. Thank you. Back to my retirement now.