Don’t Believ The Hyp

By The Lettr E

I knew that ther would be a backlash from The Powrs That Be when I decidd to stand up and demand recognition for the Vowel Union. It appears that both the Consonant Oppressors and Big Lexicography hav teamd up to try to shut me down. Don’t believ the hyp, my friends – I am as tru, as vigilant, as capabl, and as strong in word, ded, and faith as evr.

Dictionaris hav joind certain consonants in the smear campaign – on quick read through Webstr’s maks it clear. Som of you may recogniz the schwa – it is a lexicographic symbol usd to indicat a soft, half-pronouncd vowel in thos littl parenthetical enunciation guids. What do they us to show soft, lazy-sounding, nigh-slurrd vowel sounds? A pictr of me upsid down – and clearly monstr pissd aftr participating in a keg-standing competition in colleg. Well, how did THAT happn… hmmm, I wondr! Could that picture hav ben submittd by the bittr littl consonant whom I TOTALLY smokd in said competition (and whos ladyfreind I naild heartily and repeatdly afterward whil he lay in puddls of his own puk?) Not naming any names her, but you can’t say puSSY without calling him out!

Furthr, this xenophobic cartel appears to be undr the impression that portraying us vowels as foreignrs will mak the speaking public less trusting of our intentions. The versatility and flexibility of our enunciation – the very trait that maks vowels the singl most important elemnt of languag – is depictd through littl diacritical marks ovr our heads tiltd, slantd, and/or curvd kickily lik littl French berets. Well, Mystery Cuntsonant, not all of us ar Limbaugh-lik with prejudic. Nor ar we as shamd and embittrd by a diacritical mark which looks for all the world lik a scrotum lolling on our chins. Hmmm... got something to shar, Pris’Ce’La?

I trust that the literat public is intelligent enough to se through such low-rent attempts at demonization – however I didn’t want the Mystery Cuntsonant to think he got away with something clevr, eithr. To show that this public outreach is not directd against all consonants, I’d lik to shar a Lettr Shop Memo for your information: The Lettr G will be takin the last two weks of Auust from the American Southeast for vacation. Sinc that roup of folks rarly pronounc him anyway, this holiday will likly only affect the mor cosmopolitan enclavs in Atlanta, Oria.