I’m Looking for a Few Good Starlets-In-Waiting

By Louise Lee, Agent to the Hot Young Stars

Say, Alpha Parents – do you have a pretty and talented daughter who simply won’t be satisfied with her show biz career peaking out as Princess of the Cass County Iowa Pork Festival? More importantly, do you even give a shit what that little prima donna “wants” and think it’s about time that those looks and talents you have meticulously preened and nurtured over the last decade and a half should be lining your pockets for a change? Give me a call, Babes – we can make this happen.

Let’s face facts – you deserve to be paid for all your troubles and my current stable of starlet-sluts is getting stale. Together, we have the skills and materials to solve all of our problems. It’s a no-brainer… but there are some preps you need to put in place before we can pull the trigger on this deal.

Diet and exercise are critical for young girls at this formative stage in their lives – and that goes double if she wants to work for me. Start your daughters off right. Make sure you plow your pretty little girls with as much mainstream-megafarm milk and meat products as her daily caloric allotment will allow. None of that organic rBGH-free hippy-drippy free range shit – bovine growth hormones are what make your little girl’s chest buds bloom into the bra-busting sweater roses that turn Hollywood’s collective head. Sad fact is - unless your daughter can sing the teats off a boar-sow or make me forget Streep, I probably can't use her unless a midget can keep dry in a rainstorm under her full, firm and fleshy front porch by the time she’s fourteen.

Assuming she’s got the aforementioned qualifications, there are some ongoing guidelines that all parties concerned need to be made aware of before anybody signs anything binding:

Diet – A healthy forbidden-fruit / jailbait sex-kitten appearance and the physical stamina for 10-14 hour workdays are equally important – at least until the studio is locked into a multi-picture deal with us that would take one of their best hired-gun Lawyerdinis to free themselves from. I recommend roughly 800 to 1200 calories per day with plenty of protein for maintaining hair sheen and muscle tone. At the very least, we'll keep your daughter’s after-midnight caloric intake from the Cocktail food group under 70% of total.

Cocaine / Crack / Crystal Meth – None, please. Hard drugs wear out your ability to lie effectively and what is acting if not convincingly living a lie one role at a time? Seriously, if you’re concerned about your figure, put down the snot straw and do some fucking ab crunches, Lindsay! Don’t try to tell me that the best workout plan comes in baggies, Sweetcheeks – I’ve seen pictures of Eddie Van Halen.

Public Appearances – Recent events dictate that an approachable-but-not-accessible tack is the wisest PR course of action. Dancing and drinking for a few hours at one hot club or another once or twice a week = good. Rubbing Big Clete’s patty melt all over your exposed hoo-haa during an impromptu coke-fueled truck-stop table dance at 4am on a Tuesday = bad.

These guidelines should keep all of us happy and healthy at both the personal and financial levels – at least until your daughter hits 25 or so and the horny-male demographic loses interest in her and devotes his groin-gremlin-grappling dollars to my next project. Thanks, Babes!

Oh, that reminds me… Tara – stop calling. You’re dead to me, you played-out skankosaur. Kisses!