Anatomy of a Product Launch - Pizza Hut Dippin' Strips

by SocratoBot 3000, Xylar VII Debullshitification Droid

We know our pizza entirely sucks, but we really want your money. We could develop a product that can compete on quality, but that would be time-consuming and unnerving to our investors, so we'll just come at you by marketing the same old shit packaged differently.

Let's face it, if you really cared about the flavor of your pizza, you wouldn't call a national chain. But hey, our advertising economies of scale can keep us all up in your mug 24/7/365 so you won't have to think about *where* you get your pizza, just as long *as* you get it. Quality, schmality, eh, Homes? Besides, aren't all those funny-sounding local pizzeria names ending in vowels kind of foreign and scary? Foreign and scary and ending in vowels... like OSAMA!?

Since our pizza tastes SOOO fucking terrible, you'll want something to cover up the flavor, so we boldly stole the 20-year-old concept of dipping sauces from a competing national chain who is currently using the exposed southern cinnamon rings of our market share as their personal pants-pork pincushions. Further, for ease of dipping, we hijacked the strip-slice dynamic from yet another up-and-coming regional pizza empire, and VOILA! an entirely "new" product line which delivers the same unappetizing doughy tomato-cheese loaf you've grown accustomed to liquid fire-shitting out the next morning with almost no effort expended on our part!

Now how do we appeal to the largest pizza-buying demographic, you may ask? Put them in the commercials! Tech-geeky twentysomething bachelor office-wonks will debate the subtle nuances between "dipping" and "scooping" the same old flavorless pepperoni pizza - but sliced differently, so it's NEW!!! - into various mini-buckets of flavored sodium-laden unguents. We even made the geeks come from different ethnic backgrounds to maximize demographic coverage - and made the white one stupid to give it that clever little twist of blantant pandering with which you incurious rubes have grown so comfortable!

So buy Pizza Hut Dippin' Strips. It's the same old for-shit pizza, just sliced differently, but it's in a new TV commercial with a trademarked brand name and everything... and you get sauce!