Pacific Disasters Attributed To Wicked-Away Moisture

by Cinta Sella-Ductos, Ibk News (TM) International Correspondent

PHUKET, Thailand (IbK) - The list of contributing factors in the Pacific ocean disasters like the tsunami which devastated this densely-populated Thai island four Christmii ago and the cyclone that ravaged Myanmar this past May has recently grown. Climatologists and physiologists from around the world have compared research notes and reached the same conclusion: a statistically significant percentage of the moisture that Mother Nature foisted upon these tropical oases was wicked away from perspiring fitness enthusiasts who were wearing performance sports apparel.

Approximately four percent of the water samples taken from these two disaster areas tested positive for elevated levels of electrolytes, urea, and 2-methylphenol, chemical compounds found in large concentrations in sweat and sports drinks. Upon this discovery, climatologists and meteorlogists traced the trajectory of the suspect moisture to its points of origin. These points all coincided with locations where athletes and other exercisers were more prone to wear moisture-away-wicking performance sports apparel - football training camps, outdoor jogging and running tracks, and exercise clubs packed with well-to-do cubicle-monkey suburbanites clutching desperately at their waning virility.

I approached Pete Williamson, spokesperson for UnderArmor, the leading brand of performance sports gear, with these revelations. Unofficially his response was sincere distress and sympathy. "Dude," exclaimed Peterson, "that so totally sucks!" Such detrimental fallout, continued Peterson, was never even conceived as likely by UnderArmor much less intended. "All we wanted to do was create clothes that keep athletes cool and dry in order to decrease discomfort during exercising. The whole moisture-wicking thing is a centerpiece to prevent guys from being knocked out by their own prison-orgy-like stench and maybe keep their junk from chafing during long runs."

When asked why their gear wicks all the moisture in the direction of the Pacific and Indian Oceans, Peterson surmised the country of manufacture may be a factor. "All our gear is put together out there in Indonesia and Thailand and places like that. Hell, I don't know... maybe the nine-year-olds in the sweatshops out there just figured they should bring that wicked moisture back home." Peterson's official response however was some wonky string of weasel-worded gobbledygook followed by a referral to Under Armor's law firm Mananna, Fisbicz & Gunn should this newly-found culpability lead to legal action.

No Time, Like, The Present...

by Knorr the Interpreter

My head is a funny place. All my invisible friends are just chatting away up there, but unfortunately my meat-based world requires about 130% of my time right now. When I get time, I'll let some of my friends come out to play with you, but for now they've got to stay inside.

Excuse me... Stop jumping on the couch, Lars - and Jonathan, leave Mittens alone!

I'm looking forward to letting these idiots loose!

Blockbuster Trade Sends Iowan Homecoming Queen To Boston

by Lars Eisenberg

It's official: Marlon and Elizabeth Stensland of Ashton, IA have traded their 17-year-old daughter Kayleigh to Justin and Heather Birelli of Boston, MA. In exchange for their two-time Homecoming and Corn Festival Queen, the Stenslands will receive 12-year-old Beckie Birelli, 9-year-old Topher and a puppy to be named later.

Finalizing the trade was bittersweet for the Stenslands, but they believe all parties will be the better for it. "Kayleigh has gone as far as she could go here," explains Marlon. "She's proven herself worthy of a great future winning all those contests, leading the [Ashton High] Lady Vikings to another softball championship all while holding a solid B+ average, but central Iowa just doesn't have much to offer a young ambitious and talented woman these days. We had to make the trade... for her sake."

Elizabeth Stensland looks forward to her family's new future. "Besides, we've always wanted a bigger family but the stars never lined up for us. With Beckie and Topher, we'll have a chance to share so much more with each other. And with our experience in raising such a beautiful and upstanding young woman like Kayleigh, Beckie and Topher are joining our organization at just the right time. Sure, you can say the Stenslands are rebuilding, but five or six years from now you'll be saying it in our house full of trophies!"

The Birellis are also ecstatic about their franchise-shaking transaction. "I still can't believe it, Heather... we got Stensland! Holy shit... Iowa's All-Everything Kayleigh Stensland is coming to Boston! Kayleigh in da HOUSE, yo!" Mrs. Birelli translates, "Justin is obviously overjoyed that we acquired such a talented young lady. He is certain that with Kayleigh's athletic, academic and social resume, the doors of the Ivy League will open wide and let us waltz right in."

Trade talks originated around March during the Stensland's planting offseason. They knew Kayleigh deserved all the best for her senior year of high school, but weren't sure they could provide it. June's state-wide flooding cemented the Stensland's position for the year, so Marlon set the phone lines on fire to make a deal happen. "We'll get some insurance money, but all that has to go back into the farm - the equipment, new barns, new silos, new seed and all that. We'll get by in the long run, but there just won't be enough to give Kayleigh the senior year she deserves." Elizabeth embellishes, "The Stensalnds have a great future - that's why we're so excited to get Beckie and Topher - just not much of a present. We only had a few months to make Kayleigh want to stay. We *had* to trade her - or let her walk away and get nothing in return."

Fortunately for the Stenslands, the Birellis were in the market and ready to deal. "Justin just made junior partner, so money is no obstacle for us," explains Heather Birelli. "We've got everything in place to win NOW - the only piece of the puzzle we were missing was a society superstar to open the doors of more of Boston's movers and shakers to us. Kayleigh is gorgeous, smart, outgoing and charming. She'll get invited to all the top-shelf birthday parties and have every Preston Richboy The Third in school asking her out - just the ticket we need to shake the hands that pull the strings of this town."

"We'll miss Beckie and Topher, but twelve-and-nine-year olds just don't give you championship opportunities," expounds Justin. "Kayliegh is a senior - that means prom; that means college visits; that means more maturity, mobility - more opportunity! When I drop Kayleigh off at a sleepover, the parents of the host girl will be there... and be somebody. The guy next to me at her softball games will probably be a CEO or Chairman of something, and when he says 'Who is that hard-hitting shortstop?' I'll be able to say 'My daughter!' with a proud smile and extended hand. Shit, yeah - you'll be hearing 'Birellis Win!' so much, you'll probably get tired of hearing about us. But, hey - don't hate us because we're beautiful..."

Marlon Stensland sums up the trade most succinctly. "It will be a tough transition, but this deal in a win-win for all parties involved." He then hugged the newest Stenslands while notifying the Birellis that he expects his puppy within a week.

Happy Independenceness Day, Fellow Countrymen Peoples!

by Jorgi Djukovicz, New American

I am so deeply into the happification for today! Yesterday was my firstest Fourth of Julyity as a fully naturalated American citizen, and it was as fantastific as I always imaginated. The Cue of Barbie enheated many, many steakmeats and Dogs of Hottity, beers flowed in great quantities, and neighbors I never knewed live in my nearness all came over and shared stories, foods, beveramiges, and many many laughinesses. Truly yesterday's activitations were the living lifelihood of the American Dream for which I have been in the strivingness of for all these years.

Unfortunately, not all of the neighborages were as thoroughly into the jovification as others. Some were much into the saddery, mostly about econoramic conditions affecting their homesticity. One common topic of lamentary was the costliness of gasoline climbinating over $4 a gallon. Some were in the sayingness that they will need to back cut to operatizing only one cartomobile for their wholeness of families, others saided driving to their workplaces is no longer in the worthiness of efforts and are into the looking for of lower-paying jobs closer to their homages.

Of course, these backcuts are whatsome of the in of convenience, but hardly in the worthity of bringating such saddery to this greatest Day of Holly. From where I came from in the originally, gasoline was quite already $4 a gallon a dozening of years ago - I can't not be in the imaginating of what it may cost nowly! To add to difficultship also, the averaged worker person earned aboutish $100 per every week, so filling a gas tank would be in the costing of half your paycheck. We normular peoples rode state-provided trains and busses to our places of working. Cartomobiles were luxurites affordified only by the rich-to-do and corrupted governators -two in a family meant a person was either selling them the drugs, in the fuckingness for monies or both.

I have seen these complaining families - they are far too lazified to be in the dealingness of drugs, and noone of right mindery would pay to see them nuded. The stop of bussery is a three block walk from their home, and schedulatives of bus-running are available on the line of internets. I telled these things to the neighbor, and he lookified at me as if I just enshitted upon his salad of potatory. When I suggestified the possibification of both keeping his current job as well as and working a seconded one closer to his home, I may as well have endickified his dog in front of his children.

I tell you I am just not in the understandingness of some of my fellow Americanized peoples - I carry two full-time jobs on the books and work some on the side for cashery and I couldn't in be more in the happiness with my situation. Making the logical suggestification of more employery as an answer to monetarrific troublenesses to some peoples in this country seems more of the insultingness than enfuckerating their daughters during church. I am very much in the gladness to be here - some who were enluckified enough to be in the bornness of America obviantly could stand to be in the using of some perspection.