For The Love Of America, Light Up!

by Mel Fisto-Feliz, Esq., Business Activist

Disturbing. Absolutely disturbing. A plague of nanny-state legislation has oozed across this once-great country like the quasi-police-state-flavored pus it truly is - city by city, state by state, a misguided army of Polyanna Q. Buttinskis has shoved anti-indoor-smoking policies down the gaping and snoring throats of their governing officials. "Clean Indoor Air Acts" they have the stones to call these freedom-raping regulations, as if pouring perfume on that fascist pig will make it smell rosy. My friends, these "Clean Indoor Air Acts" must be stopped, dropped and rolled back immediately if America is to regain is destined standing as an economic and moral superpower.

Let us flash back to the 1970's - America was the King of the World. Our standard of living was at its peak. American industry was unparalleled in production, thanks largely to its job-creating inefficiencies and repeat-sales-generating mediocre quality. We dressed ourselves like pimps and spent hours making our hair look like we just stepped out of the shower... but got laid left and right anyway. The music, booze and drugs were positively awful, but we gulped them all down in mass quantities until we felt mellow. How could we pull all this off without gagging, you may ask? Because of smoking.

Everybody smoked - everybody who was cool did, anyway. Tobacco smoke effectively suffocates taste buds, so we didn't know how wretched Coors beer actually tastes. Cigarette smoking also kills the sense of smell, so your only reaction the otherwise-puke-inducing aromatic funk-chowder of polyester-spawned BO, pheremones, patchouli and/or Hai Karate, and three packs of Kools was "Lance is here... Groovy!"

That's right, folks... smoking. Cigarette smoking made our country great. We worked all day, partied all night, and repeated in full knowledge that we Americans had never had it better. We bought muscle car after shittily-built muscle car, drank all day long in large quantities, partied and danced to folk and disco between coke-snorts and lude-drops because we had the money to do it. We had high-paying jobs, cheap rent, and low day-to-day expenses thanks once again to cigarettes, since taxes on smokes were negligible and nicotine in large doses suppresses the urge to eat (and our deadened taste buds didn't care if we bought store-brand food when we did bother to eat).

Then along came the nit-pickers. "Oooh... smoking causes cancer! Cigarttes increase asthma! Smoking leads to emphysema!" Oh, boo fucking hoo, Priscilla!

Yes, those annoying side effects can be a bit problematic, but did they ever think what would happen if people stopped smoking? With the life cycle extended beyond its natural boundaries by these Health Nazis, people will continue to live deep into their eighties and nineties, thus draining our private pension, Social Security and health care systems at a breakneck pace. Plus, without nicotine's great twin gifts of vigorous energy and appetite suppession, people would simply sit around and eat fattening foods until their asses grew blubbery roots in their sofas.

What a nightmare world that would be - a nation of elderly fat lazy bastards who'll only get off their couches to cash Social Security checks and pick up their government-subsidized cholesterol and blood-pressure medications after yet another drive to Country Kitchen Buffet for Early Bird Specials. Folks - we are living that nightmare! A trip to any Cleveland suburb on Sunday afternoon will bring that home in grease-stained, old-person-smell-drenched spades.

We must bring cigarettes back into the restaurants, bars, offices and government buildings where they belong. Smoking is our right. The American economic engine is powered by cigarette smoke. Smoking cuts unproductive years off the ends of miserable lives, saving pensions and governments and health insurance companies billions. Smoking keeps us active and thin. Plus smoking keeps whinging, needy, fat old fucks out of our bars and restaurants, so we can kick back and truly enjoy getting our grooves on.

We must rip America's glory back from the wrinkly festering clutches of those nanny-state Health Nazis... even if we have to do it one butt at a time. Right On Brother - Light On Up!