Transcripts from Carter’s “Elders” Mission to Sudan

By Cinta Sella-Ductos, IbK Foreign Correspondent

This past Tuesday a delegation known as “The Elders”, which features Nobel Peace Prize Laureates Jimmy Carter and Desmond Tutu, ran into resistance as they visited an aid camp for Darfur refugees. The camp guard, appointed by a local governor, was given instructions to reject all visitors, and in fear for his own life fulfilled his command to deny the peace delegation admittance.

We couldn’t get close enough to hear the guard’s side of the exchange, but the IbK Foreign Detail ™ did hear former President Carter’s staunch defense of the Elders’ right to enter. The following is a transcript of Mr. Carter’s side of the heated discussion:

JC: Yo, Homes – the Elders here looking to drop a ten-ton load of peace on all your asses. Let us get all up in here and do this humanitarian thing!

Guard: (inaudible)

JC: Say what? We have GOT to be on the list, Yo! We cleared this with the UN, the African Union – ALL that shit! Let us get up in this camp, Son – we have come to bring re-LIEEEEF!

Guard: (inaudible)

JC: Aw, HELL no! I KNOW I didn’t hear you say that! You see, all the bling from my Nobel Fuckin’ PEACE PRIZE sometimes messes with my hearing. You want to try that again, Son – we got some peace to get on!

Guard: (inaudible)

JC: Oh, so you get your orders from the Governor… you wanna know who I get my orders from? Desmond Tutu, bitch! Yeah, that’s right – The. Bishop. Desmond. Motherfuckin’. Tutu. Now, I’m sure it’s the blingterference from TWO Nobels playing with me here – quit your playing and let us in.

Guard: (inaudible)

JC: All right, you do that. You GET the motherfuckin’ Governor out here. We’ll lay so much goddamned goodwill, charity and diplomacy all up in his ass, you’ll wish you let us in to begin with! Elders in Da CAMP! [sounds of loud barking from the delegation].