Notre Dame Fires Three of Charlie Weis's Chins

by Espen Jockovitch

SOUTH BEND, Ind. (IbK) -- Upon falling to 0-4 for the first time in the program's 119-year history, the University of Notre Dame has sent a clear message to head football coach Charlie Weis by firing three of his chins. According to a statement read by Athletic Director Kevin White, "Effective Monday, September 24, 2007 the University of Notre Dame will release Charlie Weis's third, sixth, and eighth chins from their contract as parts of the head coach of its football program due to lack of performance."

Since the rest of Weis is contracted with the storied program through the year 2015, this declaration could prove problematic for the already troubled head coach. While the most obvious answer would be for Jabba the Coach to lose about eighty pounds, thus shedding the fired chins naturally, for next week's game against undefeated Purdue he will likely have to obtain sideline guest passes for the fired chins and attach them with fish hooks or industrial strength alligator clamps.

Reaction throughout the College Football industry to Weis's-chin-firings has been swift and decisive. The Bowl Championship Series formula is fervently being recalculated to find a way to have an 0-4 Fighting Irish club finish in the Top 12 in order for them to be eligible to play in one of the marquee bowls they perenially lose. AP and USA Today pollsters have to resort to artificially boosting teams that beat Notre Dame since ranking an 0-4 team would render undeniable their thinly-disguised obsessive pro-Irish bias.

Other NCAA Division I head football coaches have also taken notice; most remarkably former Notre Dame / current University of Washington head coach Tyrone Willingham. "They fired three of Charlie's chins? Damn!" stated a clearly shaken Willingham. "I knew those cornfed crackers were serious about their football, but if Domers would fire parts of Chalie Weis for starting off 0-4, they'd have strung my black ass up from the middle fingers of Touchdown Jesus!"