Open Letter To Congressional Democrats

by Ron R. Clark

DO SOMETHING, DAMMIT!

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, I haven't seen anything as noisy and boisterous, yet ultimately futile and frustrating as the 2006 Democratic Congress since I witnessed a monkey furiously trying to fuck a football at the Denver Zoo a few years ago.

You shitheads had better listen and listen good. I come to you as a duly appointed spokesperson for the Purple Nation - those who vote neither Republican nor Democratic, but for whom we feel can do the best job. My Purple People represent about 80% of potential voters and about 50% of actual voters. If we're satisfied with the way things are going, we don't even bother to vote much, but when we're pissed off heads roll. You may have noticed us in 2006 - we put your asses in power. We can take your asses right back out in 2008 - you have one year left in your term to do something.

Apparently, you think people actually like you. Some do, I'm sure, but the vast majority of your votes in 2006 came from people like me who would have voted for a ham salad sandwich if it ran against a Republican. Honestly, very few of the Purple Legions could name a single plank of the Democratic platform in 2006, but we knew enough about the Republicans that we figured you guys couldn't be worse. Now Election Day 2007 is rolling around and most of us STILL don't know a single plank of the Democratic Party platform. Your 24-month trial period is about to expire and nary a one of us in Purple Nation feels ready to buy - not good.

The only thing we know is that you hate George W. Bush. Fair enough - so do most of us out here. If hating Mr. Bush is the sole qualification to get a cushy Congressional job, however, The House of Representatives would be a crowded one indeed. I know I can't stand the bastard, and I would gladly accept $150,000 a year to prance and pose for the cameras and mics like a rhythmless Mick Jagger and whine about how much Bush sucks. If you House Democrats have no interest in actually REPRESENTING something, I'll vote for myself next year - apparently, I'm qualified for the job and I could use the scratch.

And don't get me started on Democratic Senators... I can't go one sentence about them without using the phrase "spineless douchebags". See what I mean... you spineless douchebags!

I hear you... "Ooooh... mean bully Bush vetoes everything! We can't do our jobs... Bush won't let us! Waaaah!" I seem to remember a Republican Congress having a rather successful six-year stretch with a Democratic President at the helm about ten years ago. Granted, that President was much more compromising - as were his interns, apparently - but it can be done. You have one year, Donkey Breath - grow some balls. The country you purport to love and represent is at stake.

For six years, Congressional Democrats were the Republicans' prison bitches. Purple Nation gave you Democrats the keys to the cell block in 2006, and expected that you would know what to do with them. I guess we need to be more explicit for you Sugar Babies: Unlock the cell door, open it, step out of the cell, keep the derelicts we don't like in the cell, close the door, lock it with the criminal inside, and walk and talk like the wardens you should be. Jingling the keys and cooing "Look what IIII've got!" to the Republicans as they continue to bend you over and bone your borne and buttered bungholes really doesn't accomplish the change which the Purple Nation was seeking.